“My childhood innocence wasn’t lost, it was stolen away by a narcissistic Thief, for 10 long years of my life, while closed and aloof eyes conveniently swept it under a Persian rug, allowing their skeleton’s to help me look for that which was unseen”.
“That which was lost forever, my validation, my virtue, and my acceptance of a long awaited apology, that I never ever..received.” TLM
I was molested by a
live-in cousin 12 yrs older than me.
I was raised by my Grammy and her identical twin sister, my Great Aunt,
whom were both pretty up there in age when I was left with them.
My mother was somewhere living her life and advancing in her career,
my Dad was in prison for stabbing someone to death, and I’ve always been and am still, very much a Daddy’s Girl, but long story short.
In my mind, I simply thought it was a nightmare, I’d wake up from.
That was my life’s slogan, ” I would wake any minute from this bad dream”. What hurt the most was I had never been a virgin.
I didn’t miss it until my friend’s talked about losing theirs once married, or once they had a boyfriend.
I was holding a huge secret from them, out of guilt, shame and fear.
The threats grew more malicious with my age, as well as his scare tactics.
Boldly walking the long hallway as they slept, coming into my room with this gun, saying if I cried out or woke them, he’d kill us all.
He was sometimes home from school and as I woke from a nap he’d be the babysitter for a short period, until they were back from errands, work, or late night church, but even when they were home, they were older and predictable, in bed by 8:00 pm nightly.
Being a pretty talkative child,
I told my mother about this on a weekend visit, but she did nothing about it, just sent me back, it didn’t fit in her schedule to cause any confusion for my well being, her career in Government meant more.
She called me a liar, even with the description of a weinie, as I called it by age 4. What 3-4yr old knows this type of term or description?
I felt hopeless, and alone, not even my mother tried to see what was going on and the weekend almost over.
Shipped my baby brother and I right back to Grammy’s that Sunday evening..
This occurred on a more regular basis, like I was being punished for a previous life, and was his in house sexslave.
I never tried telling anyone in my family again, until I was 19yrs old, after which I had two children of my own by then.
Everyone was present including his then girlfriend, so I spilled the beans right at that moment, but this time it not only sent my Aunt to the hospital, as he continually denied it as well as insulted me, with all types of name calling, which I long got over, he had physically hurt me, stole my innocence, nothing he said could hurt me.
My mother stood there saying nothing, no blow up, no tears, no questions..notta.
While peculiarly his girlfriend kept asking did he penetrate me, like she needed details to know he was in the wrong, which infuriated me, until I shouted at her, “you know how he fucks you right”!?
“Doesn’t he penetrate you”?
Okay then! Still hopefully thinking at that time I would awaken, but instead it turned into laughing anger, as I snapped, and began to try and hurt her, for asking me such foolishness, with a form of accusatory look, like I asked for this. It was the beginning of my blunt behavior, the shy sweet girl was gone.
I never spoke like that in front of my family, but it was too much to bear and I felt like an elephant was taken off my chest, I could breathe again.
I didn’t care if they believed me or not, didn’t care what they did with the information, Hell I didn’t care about the seething hatred in my eye contact with each of them.
My family still wasn’t ready to accept that he was a monster, but I didnt care.
Even though it stopped at age 13. You see I wasn’t allowed to talk to boys on the phone, go figure!
This ended only because my oldest son’s father overheard him tell me in the background, I had to take care of him first, before talking on the phone to a boy after 9:00pm or he was telling, hmm, never forgot that day, he came over and not only confronted him, but fought him.
It was a total mess that day I decided to speak up, because my father was fresh out of jail looking for him, and this cousin has the audacity to go up to the hospital, to plead his case and lie further to my Aunt, killing her, probably from a broken heart or because the secret was out, she died 7/1993 a fews days later, I loved my Aunt,
but I refused to keep it in any longer, when I felt I had lost out on so much.
Unlike most sexually abused children, I thank God I didn’t resort to drugs, prostitution, homosexuality, and never was suicidal, jailed, amongst other vile acts, but it made me untrusting, angry, mean-spirited, over honest to hurt and destroy souls.
I got better over the years, but
always wondered what my life might have been like untampered with, about the different choices I would have made, path’s I’d have taken, the fears I had to move forward on, instead of procrastination overshadowing my decisions and steps, quitting College before my Degree, my having children very young, getting married young, although I’m very loyal, I had an insatiable appetite early in our union, where even my own husband would reject me, and in my mind I would think he didn’t love me as much as he said, not caring if he was too tired from work, to me it was no excuse.
So glad I overcame those insecurities, and grew in myself, as well with him.
So my writing, poetry and short stories early were also my therapy,
I always credit my writing as what saved my mind, my good heart, and my love for love, it had been with me since I had a voice, and a love for words.
In my teens I also shared this with my closest dearest friend of 33yrs now, and she held the same secret about her half-brother.
All I can say is we counseled and consoled one another, and we have spoke about this to young girls and boys, to try and save them from a life of doubt, self worth or whatever story would be they’re story in the event if this heinous crime plagued then, giving them different scenario’s.
Helping them realize they’re value of self respect, and speaking up in any case. I have long forgave my Aggressor, although he is currently in jail for rape, as well as a habitual offender of minor’s under 10 years old, and armed robbery.
I know there is a God, for He carried me through, and allowed me to feel sleep, as I went through it, what some don’t make it out of, with a testimony.
Now I just want the Parents involved so they see even the slightest changes in their children, loved ones, sister’s, brother’s. Addressing the issue, pressing charges, moving forward with counselling & HEAL
BY Tamara Dorsey-Moore
Thinker on the Loose